Looking through the eyes of one Sh'mot

Why don't I blog more often

2009-06-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well my wife you see is such a great writer, that it is very difficult for me to express myself through writing. I tend to talk more, I hate to text, calling someone and actually speaking seems much more effective and I don't kill people by driving with my thumbs on the key pad. But here I am writing a new blog, maybe I will even trade some of my layout features, add something new, and feel creative once more. I will tell you that typing on my little Hp Mini is much easier than the Mac, I love the Mac, but the keyboard is way to big for me. I can only hope that Apple will create a smaller computer just for me. Things are crazy right now, our move to Italia growing near, preparing our things, packing, throwing away stuff, selling things on craigslist. We argued today and it was not pretty, life is fragile, she is fragile, and I am sensitive also. We could use your prayers if you read this blog. I know that God is good, that he is always on time with things; my timing still isn't and I know I need to learn more about how he moves in my life; in our lives Cristi, myself, and with our kids too! Our children are so unique, they are different from one another and this is beautiful, and with is comes the challenging task of meeting their individual needs. There is also the needs od Cristi, which in this transition are ever challegng for me to provide some stability, since we are in fact in limbo, of disconnecting here and not quite being connected in Torino. There is the subjsect of our support, visas, plane tickets, our luggage, getting everything sold and our house ready for our new tenants. I spent today reading the book of Judges, so very interesting it felt really good to enjoy the Bible, to read it through and keep going section after section, not getting tired or sleepy. But it is one strange discourse after another telling of Israel's rebellion and return to the Lord time and time again...Maybe i am like them in more ways then one, putting fleeces out before the Lord, he answers and I stand in unbelief then he pulls me closer and even when he answers, and though I keep moving forward it is hard to see and believe, help my un-belief. If you are doubting hold tight relief is coming, it's just around the next bend,,,,

It's been a while!

2008-10-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I haven't blogged forever and I wish that there was a very good reason, but there isn't maybe because I feel I lack the skills to write. Maybe it's the shadow I live in beneath my wife wife who's one of the most talented, raw, funny, thought provoking, moving, tear jerking writer's I know and am really Jealous of. She types faster than she talks somewhere between the Matrix and Bruce almighty answering his e-mails, and well with my two finger poke and possibly three fingers not quite even using my thumbs. Well here I am sitting here on the couch, the kids are with Cristina and their cousins and aunt down in B-town or Bloomington Indiana if you don't know the lingo. Voice recognition software is on my brain I am wondering if I would actually use it or is just talk? I ponder if it cold really aid me in my wanting to change my writing abilities, or is it mere imagination and just plain ego and self talk. But with all actuality I crave the way I tell a story in public to carve that is writing whether on paper or e-ink to steal a phrase from Amazon, there is a part of me that desires to be more or to do more with the leisure time that is afforded me. Like work on a masters program, re-write some notes from Moody where I studied the Bible, work on my Hebrew notes and work on parsing more. I do take materials with me to my night job and read, but it's not as focused as I would like. I actually miss the school environment with writing even though it's very difficult for me, I miss lectures and conversations about changing the world we live in, having dreams of what it might be like to teach at a college or university. My wife is very supportive and loving, and she believes in me more than i believe in me. I want to leave a legacy for my children and their children, a wild journey of adventure and trying all types of things that excite us as a family, whether moving to Italy to mentor future Pastors of house churches, or go for a picnic where we haven't ever gone before, fly a kite in a field. Last week I brought out this pirate kite and put it together, we flew it out by a field by our house. Keziah was afraid it would fly away, it didn't though, Elias really worked it controlling it with his tugs and pulls, I don't know what Ezzie was thinking he was busy being a monster or something that roars. But latter that night Cristina told me that she really enjoyed us doing that. She wanted a group picture of our feet together, even with Yah'-Yah's swollen foot with the doctors sharpie outline. What is adventure? We have such limited time here on this planet and yet we miss many moments that are ready to be discovered. Elias is learning to read and he is an incredible artist and I don't want a mess, what is up with that; that I would stifle his imagination for cleanliness. Keziah is loud a volume God given, and for peace and quite I would rob her and God of true Joy for peace! God save me from me. Creativity is beautiful, without fear, it's joyful, un-bashful. But i have been civilized by cleanliness and words spoken to me as a child have come to rob my children of the crushed dreams and broken presents that were waiting to be opened through the imagination of my mind. Will I grow world changers, who engage life in their own unique way, who love, dream, fight, con cour the world? or will I stifle their hopes and aspirations? I pray not to, here is my confession for change.. I deeply love my family, My dear wife Cristina, God allowed me her to help me, aid me with all my clumsiness. Indeed I am indebted to her.. I love you Cristina, May God richly bless you, for you have blessed me.

Today Training Wheels Come Off !

2008-08-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

It's a new day I have my training wheels off, I just finished my training as a hospice chaplain. Tomorrow will be my first day seeing patients flying solo, and let me tell you this is a little bit nervous for me; but I am working with a really excellent team of people that couldn't be a better fit for me and the chaplain that I will be working for, he's an excellent friend, mentor, fellow theologian, fellow sojourner, passionate about people and their journey through this place called earth. I am excited to see how God will really use this to better equip me for Torino Italy this next June 2009. Cristina and I have been preparing for next week, we will be going to team training. Lots of stress this week Elias started Kinder garden this past Monday, that has been really difficult for Cristina so if your reading this and think of it please pray for her she could use it. She has been making home videos using imovie with our Mac, you know that last year we got this cool little video camera that totally connects to our usb port; man it's so easy she say's to make the videos by dragging them right into the program. Maybe I will even start a video blog it's been a dream for a long time, because I so suck at writing with my fingers. I am reading a few books currently, sex god by Rob Bell, surprised by hope N.T. Wright, and the book of Acts translated into Biblical Hebrew, I have been parsing a little each day. I am not a great scholar but some days I really want to be! As an artist I am deeply gripped by the way God moved upon Luke to write the way he did; and the influence Paul had on him. Or maybe the way the journey had upon him and he had on others that were with them. I really would like to see a better film of Acts; all though the film Peter and Paul is pretty good, Paul is played by Anthony Hopkins, and he's really supurb if you have not seen it it's worth renting. But with all the technologies available and all these great movies that are either out or coming out; please let some of these biblical narratives come to life really is my prayer. Recently I was told about this great web site JesusCreed.org it is very worth checking out, some various other blogs and this is why I am blogging right now. I pray if you read this that you will add praying for me to write and paint too. many of you know that I was badly burned back in October of last year, and as that anniversary date approaches I am sure nervous about that day and have great anxiety about it. I sure fell that I lost some things in that fire; I don't or rather haven't really painted since that time and have suffered not having creativity like I had before October 17. Only recently have I played the guitar for fun and sung my old song or praise and worship, I haven't written any poems or songs since then not even for Cristina my beautiful wife. Nothing incredible or what I would refer to as life giving that I know recharges me to create, things that I know make me more loving and caring, more life giving to others. Not to complain to much I have been teaching, mentoring, growing, but not as what I would call and artist. Maybe this is just a new phase of life that I must resolve to grow into and understand. I could use prayer in loving my older brother Rob, giving my pain to Jesus and allowing that to be finished; in Jesus' own words only to release myself to love in that forgiveness. May God bless you all may his words be on your lips when you awake in the morning, may newness refresh you, may you delight your self in him and in others who bare his image.

Italy in view

2008-07-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Life is crazy as we are getting to the under the year marker, I read Cristi's blog and a few others and see how I neglect my own blog with not writing daily thoughts. Last week I had written a whole message and some how it was lost in cyber space. So here I am writing while kids are running, playing, and screaming through our house, out side they go, the cousins are here today and oh what fun it is to see them all be crazy together. I have been told people actually read this so I hope this isn't to disappointing, a friend of mine is in India Barry desires to stop the caste system. I will put a link to his blog. God has been so faithful to us to provide for our needs, yet we sometimes complain because we have wants as well as needs. There has been a test for our faith and it is good to grow but at times it is weary on us, we all are made for community and when in community are needs are met as we share our weariness. I hope that others are sharing their burdens with each other, we cannot do it alone for we are so frail and an easy target when alone and left to ourselves. May God be with you always!

2008-07-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while!

2008-07-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

You know I have been meaning to blog, but sometimes I am un able to write my thoughts I really do much better at talking what is on my mind. But now it has been past winter and spring into the summer, even the last blog was my wife putting a blog on mine. Well like narnia, some how I arrived into this strange land, a land not always flowing with milk and honey but what can you do? When you have milk make a milk shake. Cristi and I are preparing for Italy it's only 10-11 months away now and support raising isn't going all to well, but I am hopeful in Him who asked the question who will go for us. My reply is here I am send me! There is a older woman in Genoa who has been praying for over three years for God to send Americans over not just to Genoa where some friends of us are at, but to Torino too; where Cristi and I our kids and the rest of the our team.....How awsome is that, she has been like the man from Macedonia in the dream of Paul the apostle, come over here and help us? Like that this woman has cried out to God for us to come and help her too. This greatly effects me for it was a little over three years ago that we began to hear the calling more attentively, and not just us but some friends of ours too. They are now there in Genoa the first city she had been praying for, and now she has been spending time on Sundays in Torino attending a church there. Three years ago she had a vision and saw Americans coming to help. It blows me away that God still moves in these ways, that dreams and visions are for today, there is faithful people in every country praying to our great God for Him to change their and our world by his Holy Spirit.

Diet Coke, Sermons, Mallhopping and a Crazy Lady

2007-12-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

I find it ironic that I'm sitting here listening to a podcast sermon on "My Body and Sustainable Living" while eating potato chips and drinking a Diet Coke. Yikes, and I should probably mention, for the sake of my confession to the internet, that it's 12:22 a.m. There. I feel better.

Damn these kettle-cooked potato chips are good.

I'm trying to get out Christmas letters/pictures and I'm finding it to be such a process. Our addresses are in Chicago and my old database is somewhere in cyberspace. So for the sake of all people who may not end up receiving a picture, I'm going to post it here.

Indianapolis continues to have its perks. We have grown accustomed to "mall hopping" as a form of entertaining our children. The malls around here all have these little play areas, so we let the kids run around and do a little window shopping ourselves. Other than that there is the Children's Museum where we have already been four times. Every night, right before Keziah falls asleep she asks to either go to the zoo "in the morning" or to "go camping."

Thomas is now in physical therapy twice a week. He is doing great. His depression has subsided quite a bit. As for our future, we are in the process of looking for jobs, housing, and oh yah, a rental truck (do you know anyone with one?). We'll be moving our stuff from Chicago to somewhere in Indy next weekend and then we will be going to training with Avant in January. On a good day, I know Jesus is going to take care of our needs and am excited to see how it will all unfold...almost like my son when he thinks about Christmas morning, opening up what he hopes will be Megatron, Optimus Prime and Bumblebee (those are all Transformers). But on a bad day, I get down and start frantically trying to make things work on a practical level. The problem is that God typically supercedes my practicality and ends up answering those prayers that Thomas assures me he is waiting on Him to answer. Thomas is much better at the "waiting" than I am. I'm learning though, that to move forward as the stubborn and strong-willed one, without Thomas having peace about the decision, is a mistake. It only took working for a 70 year-old crazy woman for a year and a half to realize this.

Thomas knew it wasn't a good idea to move into that apartment to manage the building. But I saw the practicality of living in a bigger apartment and having a nice backyard for the kids to run in. The woman we worked for was controlling, manipulative, and dishonest. She would come in our apartment while we were gone. She was downright mean to her tenants and at one point, we found a man dead in his apartment and called her. This about sums up her insanity: Because she didn't follow the building codes correctly and couldn't get to the building to fix them before the coroner came, she said, "I think you should just go to bed and call the coroner in the morning." What in Sam's name? We obviously didn't listen to that advice. The fire department came, pronouncing poor Lester dead of natural causes. She was one of those ladies who I wouldn't put anything past. I think perhaps she had multiple personalities.

Well, I'm done rambling. My Diet Coke is gone and I've eaten one too many potato chips and listened to one to many sermons...to the point that they are all sounding the same.

Ciao.

late at night

2007-12-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

It's late and Cristi and the children are asleep, just me and my thoughts are up and trying to understand how God has wired me. Naturally I live to be creative what I mean is my imagination has always been at work, which causes my hands to try and bring a physical representation of those thoughts into a form or medium that can be seen rather than just talked about. But with all honesty I don't feel very creative right now, nor do I have any ambition to work my hands into any medium that would produce an artist physical representation of my thoughts. So I sit typing which maybe in some sense is physical but not to the same magnitude that I would consider, but it is all that I have so i press on, I have always wanted to blog. But with all honesty it would take me a week to write a 6-7 page paper, with much preparation and conversations to have the ability to process the information out side of myself so that i could write or type those conversations. Yet I am writing from my heart now with no one to process with, not that I couldn't call someone or be in some form of prayer. I don't know where I ma going with all of this, this, these wounded hands trying to be something, picking up pieces of emotion, searching for meaning, feeling sometimes alone even without God, or maybe not alone he's just at a distance watching, and that kinda weird. I know God is with me that he will never leave me, I just hate the distance thing that we sometimes or either all the time feel. I am a prisoner of gravity, my life is not spent flying high above the clouds, a fellow mud kid feeling the over arching theme of from the dust you were made and so to the dust you will return. My days are limited to those which have been calculated for me on my behalf, and currently I still am not overly concerned about it ending as I was those days in the hospital. And even then my life was speared yet again like a cat with 9 lives but mine has surely been many more than that, and yet again I live and I rejoice at the fact that I am alive; but not enough to rejoice in my creativity practices of doing art so i am restricted by the gravity. This I must break to be set free from and worship the God who's created me, redeemed me and also has forged me through fire to create again something new, or at least refined a bit more by the scars left to tell the tale. Jesus has scars! Even though he has a new Body, he has scars still, Thomas saw them and touched them; here see put your hand in. Jesus you are bizarre to me a puzzle that I cannot pretend to understand. What do I do with all of this crap and goodness around me? Provision and yet withholding, security and pain with suffering, encouragement and words that leave me hopeless, all this and more I lay out there only you know the truth and some how I trust you. May every one who trusts in the Lord have their prayers answered. shalom

Why do our personalities flip flop?

2007-12-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

I sit here today in a mildly confused state of why one day or one week I'm up the next she's up and I'm down, I guess the beauty of marriage and what we bring to the table mixed with the oneness thing. But it's strange to me no matter how many times I have seen it repeated, over six years and it's still weird to me and to Cristi too or at least that's what she said today. I know things will work out they always do, but being flushed down through a tiny dark hole is never pleasant to me; I know it's beautiful on the other side but it's the whole process thing. Some call it character building and well it always is, i just typically don't want any more character than I already have. Today we met with Chris who is the missions pastor @ Cristi's home church, which is becoming my home church too. Our kid's love going to their classes every Sunday without a fight at all, they want to go in even without us which wasn't the case in Chicago. My healing is coming day by day and I am seeing my skin change physically, God's hand on me is amazing and the amount of support and prayer we have received has been overwhelming. I just didn't know that this many people are connected to us as a family, but I am so very thankful for this physical presence called the body of Christ! I guess I am not as down as I was when I just started blogging, I am encouraged after all, but the cares of life what I will eat, wear, etc... are sneaking in! May God be close to those whom love him, may their prayers be heard as psalm 22 says those who trust is in Adonai.

Dinner with Dave

2007-12-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

It's late and I am in the process of reading "Soul Graffiti" and there are some really good parts, but I am just not into it fully maybe I just feel bad because I question myself whether or not I am trying to find a God something out side of the Bible. Or that I am just seeking another Christian book that someone recommended, and with all honesty also purchased for me through Amazon. So here I am at page 52 and I am not disappointed but not sure where I sit in all of it, my prognosis of my spiritual development is not based on a book or people around me. I simply have trusted God, more accurately I have tried to follow Jesus surrendering when I can, jumping head long into walls thinking I am following Jesus; still other times running like hell to get away only to fall into his trap every time. I am no longer mad about him burning me with fire! I can really see that he has a good work yet to bring out of this. Tonight I had dinner with my friend Dave, he's a mentor, father without the baggage, and I never lived with him and his wife; but I had dinners with them on occasion. He has seen every phase of my adult Christ following journey, and from an outside of myself perspective; this gives me insights into the journey that I could not possibly see other wise. We always play catch up first, then talk about life marriage, how lucky we are to have the woman God has given us, he always reminds me that God has been very gracious to me by given Cristi to help me in this world. I am less guarded, even more open, he likes me, and I know he really prays for me when he thinks of me. I know that I have driven him crazy before more than once, but he is still faithful to make time for me; and this has been one of the most gracious gifts God has given me. Tonight very nice things were said of me, as if God sat down and had dinner with his son and had some small talk, then of the kingdom, his heart on the poor and orphaned in Africa with the aids situation. It wasn't sad or melancholy which is odd for I have been depressed since Oct 16th the day of my burning. Now I know Dave isn't any more holy than you and I, and there have been times that distance didn't allow for me to see him. I am not dependent on him, nor worship him; because frankly I don't but I do love him and respect him, and have learned allot from the questions he has asked me or thoughts that he has probed. Tonight I heard yet again of his own growth, journey, his pilgrimage to not settle for less but to seek to the kingdom that Jesus talked about that's here all around us. I feel believed in, enough to go seek that kingdom to believe it is possible bring it about, to experience it, to give it away, or bring people in, to go to the high ways and by ways, calling to all who desire to come in; all who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness. I thank God for his gifts, what's more than that i was able to speak with Mike from Chicago and talk with him and even share my dinner with Dave, though our conversation didn't go supper deep; I feel greatly connected with Mike, we fought right before the accident and it was stupid; I even said I wasn't going to be his friend any more. But Mike slept on a not so lazy boy for me he pushed my morphine button so I would sleep through the night. He read to me out loud and he wouldn't even do that for himself, because he likes to read inside his head it's faster and more fluid. Yet he read to me even when I was half asleep, and I liked it! Mike is who I go smoke a pipe with, like old men we take turns either saying stupid or profound things; like those in special books being read by scholars of old with a tall pint in their hand. Around a small fire we spill ourselves out like a drink offering, the good, the bad and ugly, but the beautiful exotic wonder and the humanness of it all. I think he and I will be friends for along time his faithfulness of those days in the hospital were essential for my survival. There were days i thought I would die or that I wanted to go and be with Jesus. Mike and I are close so is my wife with his wife and our kids too, my children pray specifically for his, they miss them badly and at time just want to be back at home in Chicago. All this in a small blog. May God turn ashes into new morning joy

Stress and The Cares of this World

2007-11-30T12:07:00.002-08:00

We all deal differently with stress in our lives some may over eat, talk to much, gamble, use drugs, sex, and number of different ways to escape the pain we feel. There are many cares which tae away my sight or the ability to see clearly the situation that I am currently in, yet when I am looking at Christ and seeing how he has made me it's all to clear that i am being lead. When the distractions come into my range of sight and begin to pile up all around me, I can no longer function, and my wife whom I love deeply becomes a pest or annoyance rather than the gift; this goes both ways I become the flacky artist, she's the more structured and practical one. Are differences are good and actually compliment one another when we are looking at God together, but again distractions make the beauty fade into dreary ugly non-functional parts. Anyway we are still working through this accident and the effects of it on Cristi and I, what to do with the time given to us; how and what to do after Avant training in January. And this I know God will work it all out and how it all came together I will not know, only that i went to sleep and woke up and it happened with out my forcing it to be. Which leads me to just "Being" or resting in Christ Jesus, obeying those things he has brought to my attention the best I can and submiting to his will for my life! I am very thankful for what I have the life I am living, my wife, the children given to us to raise, food in my belly, clothes on my body, shoes with our holes, a nice clean bed to sleep in. There is so much be thankful for undoubtibly the faith given to me, and the Journey that I have been smuggled into; this adventure that I am not always thrilled to be in. It's dangerous and scary there are many issues that surround us traversing life on this earth, friendships and communication with other human beings is not always easy. I have not always done very well in every relationship given to me, many times I have acted unfairly toward others, I have been selfish with my own time especially in my relationship with my wife; but having deeply hurt each other and worked through forgiveness we have really invested allot into one another. Having said this it's the only relationship that I have taken to the edge of life and have survived my words and actions, the only one tested past this one is the one I have with God; and he just keeps stickin around. Something about that "I'll never leave or forsake you bit"! Which has bee proven true... Another day on this earth forgiven.....may you find favor in Christ and others today!

Stree

2007-11-30T12:07:00.001-08:00

Difficult Times

2007-11-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

We all go through difficult times and experience frustration, I received an e-mail from a friend living over seas as a missionary he was having difficulty with the cell phone card re-charging system. He purchased $80.00 worth of mins for someone else's phone, that sucks he felt cheated when he went back to explain the situation there was nothing to be done. He felt stupid, I have felt that same way whether my burn accident, or when we were in Rwanda trying to figure things out especially cell phones. Texting was the cheapest way to communicate, but talking mins flew by even for just a short to the point conversation. We all feel that we are failing in mistakes but I don't think that's how God looks at it, I think the failure is how react after and what we do with the situation and even then may not be a failure if we learn from it. As we learn to negotiate this life as prisoner's of gravity, God is for us helping us to do well; He hasn't set us up for failure! No but there is a being who wants us to believe that and to not trust in God because there are mistake or the possibility for mistakes in the first place!

I myself have doubted God's goodness not just a few times, but daily I doubt all the good just because of my inability to see the truth in the situations I find myself in. Now I hate pat answers too, and yet the answer is there is always goodness even when it sucks. I also hate it when it sucks and fail more than I ever see myself win, yet I continue maybe like Abram; i'll be in my 90's before I am a righteous man.

May we find the hope we need for today.

I was burned with fire October 16th

2007-11-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a month an a half since I was burned in a boiler flash fire, and yet emotionally I am picking up the pieces to my experience I don't personal know where to begin. I am an artist and yet there is no work currently happening to fuel the journey out of darkness, the muscles of creativity are just plan on holiday and too much of not be in touch with humor has taken it's toll. I do have a level of joy and contentment, for I am happy to be alive that is for certain, yet there is this wanting more of life and to the full that I am for, seeking after a way out this darkness the valley of the shadow of death or the dark night of my sole. Saint John of the cross wrote of his own darkness and his journey through it, but it's been several years since I read those words they aren't even memories now. I am currently reading my New Testament in Biblical Hebrew, the Gospel of John it's most helpful these days, seeing Jesus be so gracious to those who were so desperate for his grace, the grace of God to touch them in their lives. With a rag tag bunch of misfits following him, not to clever, or of superior speech, not learned men, yet they changed the world because of what he invested both in them and the gift of the Holy Spirit who is God! My hope though in a darkness of sorts, is that though it sucks I know he will get me through this whole thing and thats okay with me. My children have been through this whole ordeal too, the accident first then having to move to another state, dealing with change hasn't been easy for them or for us yet we are pressing forward. I am glad to be alive this is for sure and it's all we have for sure, either we are alive or we are dead there isn't anything between. And as for me and my house hold we will serve the Lord.